BEVERLY HILLS, CA—According to a report released Monday by U.S. plastic surgeon general Dr. Louis T. Saddler, an alarming number of American women are suffering from dangerously small breasts.
"The undersized breasts problem in the United States has reached crisis level," Saddler said during a press conference held at the National Centers for Rhinoplasty and Microdermabrasion. "Unless they receive immediate cosmetic treatment, millions of women in this country will lose the attention of their male acquaintances completely, and some may never be able to land husbands or, if they are somehow already married, keep their husbands' interest."
According to information found on the plastic surgeon general's website, there are several easily identifiable indications that a woman may be afflicted with Chronic Breast Deficiency, or CBD. These include the inability to fill out tight sweaters, as well as invisibility when in proximity to women who have large breasts. Females with this disorder may also experience a troubling absence of back pain.
"A woman who suspects that she may have this condition can verify it with an extremely quick, normally painless test," said Saddler, later adding that symptoms such as a fluid, natural movement of the bosom or any breast shape other than a perfectly round, rock-hard grapefruit should also serve as definitive warning signs. "It's as simple as consulting a trained professional such as a strip-club bouncer or licensed drywaller to assess your personal risk."
"If your daughter, girlfriend, or secretary has small breasts, let her know that she should get the help she needs," Saddler says in one of the televised spots, standing before a diagram of Pamela Anderson. "Referring to under- endowed women's mammaries as 'mosquito bites' or likening a female's appearance to a diving board are just two of the many effective methods that can encourage those suffering from this unpleasant disorder to seek treatment."