1 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
3 If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
4 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
5 The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
6 Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
7 A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
8 I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
9 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
10 If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
11 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
12 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
14 If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
15 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
16 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
17 I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
18 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
19 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
20 War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Via Phunk you